Beauty in the breakdown

You stare at the phone.  He still hasn’t called.  He has to call, you tell yourself.  This can’t be real, there’s just no way it’s real.  He’s not who you thought he was…and that’s what hurts the most.  It’s your fault, right?  You should have known.  You run to your girl friends, your pillow, and your bottle of wine.  You tear down the pictures, cursing yourself for ever being so blind.  Cursing him for fooling you.  It’s all a dream, right?  It feels like a dream.  But try as you might, you just can’t wake up.  You gave him another chance.  He practically begged, what were you supposed to do?  He said it would be different this time.  It wasn’t different.  Surprise, surprise.  When is this feeling going to go away?  When will you feel like yourself again?  This, you tell yourself, is rock bottom.  

What you don’t tell yourself, what I am telling you, is that this is okay.

Rock bottom is a scary place.  It’s dark, it’s cold, and even though your friends are trying to pull you up you just can’t or won’t feel better.  What you don’t realize, is how much you learn while cradling your head in your hands in the depths of rock bottom.  You think you know yourself when you’re up, but it’s when you’re down that you really begin to see.  But Em- you just said it’s dark, what could I possibly see?  Contradicting myself, as usual.

What you see is the potential of who you could be.  You see what you deserve.  How much you had with him, and how much you didn’t have.  Most importantly, while you’re sitting on rock bottom, you begin to see the light amongst the darkness.  Clarity…maybe clarity is a better word for it.  You realize that you are your own person.  With or without him, you are you.  You’ve always been you.  People love you for you.  And he can’t take that away.  You realize that you have your own needs, when for so long his needs had been consuming your every waking moment- eating away at your energy to do what you need to do for YOU.  By no means does this mean that the pain is gone.  Not even a little bit.  But while you wait for it to fade, there’s no point in sitting in that cold darkness.  You realize that your friends need you as much as you need them.  They need the girl that was comfortable in her own skin.  You realize that you have so much to offer to yourself, and to them as well.  You realize that no matter how long it takes, you need to become the best you you can be for you and for your friends, before you can be you for any man.  You realize that you can be better than this.  That you ARE better than this.  That you will always, always, always be better than anyone who makes you feel this way.

You realize, with your head in your hands, your makeup on your face, and your bottle of wine empty, that the only way out of rock bottom, is up.

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